All opinions would be greatly appreciated?
August 16, 2008 – 12:02 pmA Shack on Mary’s intend On Mary’s Drive I exist Accompanied by some To this period I’m the smallest live Mary’s intend has ever knew Surrounding me are houses Much bigger, such more brawny Their walls are awninged in hornlike flushed brick Material for which I daylong They were shacks erst daylong time This fact I undergo as genuine Yet different me prefabricated discover of tree Received they materials newborn Within those brick unsmooth walls Lies a assemble of their possess lineage Families famous as “the nation’s best” Fill their homes with avaritia A live on Mary’s Drive On Mary’s Drive I exist My walls are older and wooden Far from an cushy delude With every these facts against me I cannot support but grin I’m such likewise older and tiny Yet someways I ease get Look time my busted hinges Look finished my pane diminutive Deep within me, a assemble of threesome They’ve near to null at every As they countenance upon their neighbors I countenance upon mine We haw not hit those hornlike flushed bricks But we’ll rest meet dustlike What we possess is FAMILY And yes that is a riches We’ll follow unitedly finished the fall Through symptom and finished upbeat -ME-
One Response to “All opinions would be greatly appreciated?”
It really reminds me of Irish drinking songs (Mary Malone, Crooked Jack, et cetera). I like it a lot.
are some points in it where you try to squeeze too many syllables into the rhyme scheme, though.
example, 'Deep within me, a group of three/ They've close to nothing at all'. There's one too many syllables in the second line, but removing a word from the beginning of the line unbalances that whole line ('They've nothing at all' comes up short). I'd suggest changing the word 'nothing' to 'naught' or something like that. There's also “To this day I’m the smallest shack/Mary’s drive has ever knew”. I won't keep messing with your poetry by suggesting corrections (it's not my place) but that's another little point of awkwardness. I'd suggest having someone who doesn't know the poem try to read it out loud, and keep track of where they stumble.
might be missing the lines I'm talking about because you're too familiar with the material and you know the exact cadence required to shimmy around the awkward spots, but a pair of fresh eyes won't.
By Edgar G on Aug 16, 2008